Boy Bands, Techno Pop, Polka Porn, and Austria's Drag Queen. It's Eurovision 2014!

If you did not know, Eurovision is a European (more or less) singing competition, much like American Idol but without the drama of the diva and divo "judges." The hosts are discreet, beautifully attired, and impossibly thin.

The contestants are flashier and more dramatic, too. Basically, it's way better than the American version. The competition has been around since the 1950's, but I only started tuning in about 10 years ago, so I missed ABBA's big win for "Waterloo" in 1974.

Last night was Semi-Final Round 2 and we all got comfy in front of the television to watch. Bad Techno Pop opened the competition. Is there any other?

 Malta went a bit Starbucks-acoustic. Not a crowd favorite, although they did advance to the finals.

 Norway's contestant channeled Michael Buble, and Switzerland's guy whistled his way into the finals.

The Swiss Mr. was easy on the eyes, though, so I will overlook the whistling.

 Not a seance, just Georgia's contestant.

Scary pop from Lithuania and Macedonia. In the "human interest" features for each contestant, these women looked softer and so much prettier than they did on stage. Apparently fans thought so, as well, as neither contestant advanced.

Tragically, Poland will take its polka porn to the finals. 

Boy bands from Belarus and Greece. Meh.

And one of our favorites, a flautist and her band from Slovenia. We'll see her again in Saturday night's finals.

 Making international news, including Tony's beloved Wall Street Journal ("I suppose you're going to make me read this, aren't you?" was his comment.), is the story of Austria's contestant Tom Neuwirth, or as the drag persona is known, Conchita Wurst. Armenia, Belarus, Ukraine and Russia have been melodramatic in their anti-gay positions; and Austria's right-wing party leader indicated that the contestant needs psychotherapy. People! This is ENTERTAINMENT. Unbundle your panties and carry on with more important matters.

The bearded lady did not disappoint. In the lead up to their performance, each contestant made a short clip showing how they created their country's flag for the competition. Neuwirth-Wurst opted to make one from ball gowns.

 The entrance was dramatic, and the song was beautiful. Austria advances to the finals.

No, this is not a closeup of Austria's contestant. Rather, this is Ireland's entry, who performed a beautiful song in an even tighter copy of the Neuwirth-Wurst dress. Alas, only one gold-laced singer advanced to the finals, and it was not Ms. Ireland. 

Who will take home the Eurovision 2014 crown on Saturday? I do not know. I'm just hoping there will be more parachutes, hamster wheels and maybe even a Teletubbie appearance.